Appreciating Now

on Dec 8, 2021

Nov 22, 20 21 Feeling so much love in my heart for my sweet girl today.  I mean, the love is always there, but it just feels extra amplified today, like so in love, like adoring her extra in that way that just makes the day better and my heart feel so open and unbound when I see her. Watching her sleep is giving me extra peace, hearing her snore brings a smile to my heart. Seeing her eyes meet mine, lights up and offers both space and goodness to my being. I always love her, but today, I just feel so in the goodness of what that is. I’ve been sitting in, and sorting through, some of my fear around what my recent bleed might “mean” and my fear and/or apprehension around having to face suffering or pain. But, the truth is, now is ok. If I’m letting now be consumed with worrying about the potential suffering to come, then I’m actually extending or bringing...

Hoop Dance Life Line

on Nov 26, 2021

Nov 15, 2021 I feel like I’ve been a bit under water the last few days. Body, mind, and spirit. I’ve had a hard time pulling myself up out of the vortex of blue. Tonight, when I started to feel myself slipping deep down to that seemingly irretrievable place,  I decided to do something different.  I put on music, which led to an opening to a hoop desire, which led to me getting myself down to the studio below us, hoop in hand.  I made a promise to myself and my body to be gentle, but to see if I could find myself a bit with my hoop, feel myself again in the music and dance. I stretched.  I tested the waters.  No bleed or cough, so I went for it. Gentle, loving, but also a little defiant and taking the time I needed to let some of my emotion just move through my system. Tears and feels and swirls… and somewhere in between the tears and feels and swirls I found an...

Hemoptysis

on Nov 17, 2021

Hemoptysis (First episode began Nov 12th 11:40pm) *Warning- I talk about blood in this entry.  Don’t read if hearing about blood is not your thing. I had some hemoptysis (bleeding from my lungs) last Friday night. This is my first episode since beginning Trikafta (Jan 31,2020) and starting MAC treatment (Feb 2019).  It was quite a shock. Even though this was a more regular part of my life for long stretches at a time, I was in no way ready for this one.  Except, I suppose I was, because well, it happened. I laid down to go to bed and immediately coughed that very different kind of cough. I could feel the fluid movement in my chest and a clot come up with fluid in my throat. I ran to the bathroom in disbelief and saw that I had in fact coughed up a clot and bright red was continuing with my following coughs. That first little burst was maybe a teaspoon. Including blood and clot,...

I don’t want to forget

on Nov 14, 2021

I don’t want to forget. I don’t want to forget to live. I don’t want to forget to drink it all in, savor… savor the people and the moments, and the wind against my face, the sound of all the music, all the music, the smell of the damp earth in the trees, the taste of the most delicious peach, the feel of my feet deep in the sand and dirt and grass and… I don’t want to forget all the moments of love, the simple and the complex and layered, the joyous and the hard earned. I don’t want to forget all the incredible gifts of this beautiful, faceted, sparkling, amazing, miraculous, one of a kind, life.

Elemental Being

on Nov 5, 2021

Bare feet on Earth, making love to ground, opening to, offering thanks.Is this what trees feel? Deep roots in communion with Her all the time?Third eye open to the sun.Thank you Light.Thank you illumination and sight and warmth.Feeling your energy emanating from and through my own body, back out towards the shine of being.Swallowing, feeling my waters, all Waters.Thank you for refreshment and moisture and movement and blending. Your currents are all currents.Feeling into Space.Behind, in front, to each side, below, above. Inside.Thank you, for room to breath and freedom and the eternal open embrace of all being.Love.Thank you for it All.

Know and Shine.

on Oct 30, 2021

  You are brilliant.  You are Love. Own this. Know This. It is time.   (Let go of the old dead skin that no longer serves you.  Let the truth about you shine through.) *Photo by Kaique Rocha 

Right Here

on Oct 21, 2021

It was right here all the time. In the softest breath. In the curl of your pinky toe. In the split ends of your hair. In the gurgle of your belly. In the wetness of your mouth. In the flutter of your lashes. In the quiver of your lip. In your elbow tip. In all these small and simple every moment places. Right here, in the beautiful body that you live with and through. There is God. Expressing Love of Being. Through. With. You.

Bahni

on Oct 8, 2021

We were back at oncology with the Bahnster today. A mammary tumor was found/confirmed. Another surgery is recommended. We have some decisions to make. I’m processing this information. When we got home my poor girl hid her head under the pillows on the couch and just slept.  She didn’t even want to get up for a walk or car ride later in the day, which is really unusual for her. I feel like she feels bad about this news that was delivered. I can’t explain exactly why I feel this way and I guess I don’t need to, except to say we are connected and I feel it.  That’s all. Dear Bahn, It’s ok that you have a mammary tumor. It’s not your fault. You are perfect. We will meet whatever we need to, to be with you in this. We will do it together, and even if parts are hard, and they very well may be, we will all grow through it, we will love you through it. I trust you and me and Love and we....