Eyes of Love

on Dec 4, 2018

This post’s been in draft mode for a while now.  The inspiration for it was at the start of my last IV round and it’s been a doozy since then. I think originally I was thinking maybe I would share once I was feeling a bit better, but that time never came as I was pretty sick through that last treatment and then it was immediately time to get my shit together to move lol. So, here we are, a number of months later, finally re-seeing and re-sitting with this  photo of Vel and I. Vel is an Internal Radiology  (IR) nurse.  She does a number of things in IR, but one of them is keeping track of patient’s vitals while they are in procedures there.  Having had over 60 PICC lines in my life, and a good amount of those being in Highland IR, Vel and I have a history together.  I know a number of them on the team.  I’ve seen a number of nurses, techs, and doctors come and go...

Unpacking

on Nov 29, 2018

Alive? Check. Sunshine outside my window? Check. About 20 thousand more things to appreciate and marvel at? Check. Ok, so now to cut the crap and put myself into something that really matters. Getting to the business of unpacking myself. If I can do even the smallest bit of This each day then I will have done something of value, something worth while.  This is part of my renewed and remembered commitment to this world.  It’s time to cut those straps, that tape, that keeps this ray of god busy, boxed, and small. The scissors are on the shelf. What the hell are you waiting for girl? Open the package.  Open up those flimsy, yet binding cardboard flaps and let It breathe. You’re here so why not? Maybe it’s even a process of just tearing off one little section at a time, even a section of a flap.   Maybe other days it’s a karate chop and a delicious head shaking crazy dance as the pieces go...

Held

on Jul 12, 2018

PICC placement morning 7/11/18. The nerves, the nauseousness, the fear, the heart beat, the intention to stay, meet, be with this/This. Wheeled through the doors, sign the consents, climb up onto the cold table, hand over the arm the body, open inside, feel the octopus tendrils, find the spirals of love.  It’s here, just remember to feel.  The last movements before being still while I am threaded and re-threaded. Strapped down, sterile field on, my face is covered, I find the elephant trunk of the tubing above me, reach in and out at the same time. Open. Find the breath to disperse…spread…soften… I hear a voice, a feeling, a memory that holds me from the beginning, remembering why I came here in the first place.  She/he/they say, through my cells and being, “Ok.  Ready to go to work.” In that instant, the blessed calm comes; the knowingness that...

Grace Opening (Jan 15, 2018)

on Feb 13, 2018

  There’s an unsettledness in my heart. A lump in my throat…so deep. It’s pit and roots take hold in the top of my chest. These sensations show themselves as I check in this morning with this body, this part of the whole that resides inside. Given the chance to be known and witnessed these sensations are heightened. I almost can’t stand it. They get bigger and bigger and things tighten and I think I might not be able to stay with them. Then…as I keep breathing…keep staying in the places that I can… being present both to the pain and the light that swirls through it and around it. Find the edges…the opportunities for freer breath within and without. Find where the edges soften and lightness of being meets the hard. Invite Invite Invite. Stay. Feel the breath beginning to come through. As the ease starts to penetrate the knots I let that grow. I invite...

Up.

on Jan 2, 2018

I will not let myself be crushed under overwhelm. I will look for what is working and what can work and I will focus UP.

Looking Back… at a Year of MAC.

on Jan 1, 2018

Exactly one year ago today I stopped my second round, and what I was hoping to be my final round, of MAC treatment. Unbelievably, five days later, I began culturing MAC again. I have spent the last year of my life trying to figure out what to do about this, and all the layers of this that have come since that first re-culture. This has meant a year filled with tears, learning how not to jump to tears, perspective, humility, investigation, and a trip half way across the country for the opinion of the current experts in the nation, navigating my way to be able (and almost not be able) to do that.  Upon arrival there it also ended up meaning an unplanned extended stay there.  My time in Denver, and all that lead up to it, was challenging, beautiful, hope filled, hard, and life giving, a smorgishborg of emotions. I had hoped for some resolution in terms of what to do about MAC more...

November 5, 2017

on Nov 6, 2017

Grace. It’s closer than you think.   I have committed to taking 2-5 second pauses repeatedly throughout my days lately. My intention is to drop all thoughts and simply feel what’s left, what still exists when I let thoughts go. Dropping all thoughts is not always easy, but I’m getting better at it. It helps that it is a short commitment, but I’m seeing the power in the repetition. So tonight, just before I began my evening neb, I paused. In this pause I was blessed with feeling Grace. The Grace that is always here, so close, already inside and wrapped around everything. The Grace that gets disguised when I try to manage the life that I pile on top of It. And even that has Grace in it, is Grace. There is no escape. And I’m so glad.     

Pause, reflect, receive….booster jots

on Nov 2, 2017

The Booster Jots concept is about recognizing that we have a choice, taking the time to pause and feel into what we need, and opening ourselves up to receive accordingly. What’s within is so much more powerful than anything that you can acquire from this material world. So let’s experiment. Let’s try adding a pauses into our lives, even if that pause is only for 5 seconds before we move on with our routines. (In the case of booster jots, this is practiced by pausing before doing a treatment or taking a medication, but in the rest of life it could be before doing anything- before eating, responding on Facebook, doing your homework, entering a business meeting, greeting your family…) Let’s see what happens if we drop all thoughts and “have to’s”, for even a few moments, to direct our attention inside. Let’s see what shows up. Let’s see what we...