Nov 22, 20 21
Feeling so much love in my heart for my sweet girl today. I mean, the love is always there, but it just feels extra amplified today, like so in love, like adoring her extra in that way that just makes the day better and my heart feel so open and unbound when I see her.
Watching her sleep is giving me extra peace, hearing her snore brings a smile to my heart.
Seeing her eyes meet mine, lights up and offers both space and goodness to my being.
I always love her, but today, I just feel so in the goodness of what that is.
I’ve been sitting in, and sorting through, some of my fear around what my recent bleed might “mean” and my fear and/or apprehension around having to face suffering or pain.
But, the truth is, now is ok.
If I’m letting now be consumed with worrying about the potential suffering to come, then I’m actually extending or bringing about suffering sooner, when it doesn’t actually need to be here, in this moment of now.
Something in me softens in this remembering.
That softening within, around myself, is a doorway into being able to sit here, deepening into the love of what I feel for my sweet Bahni girl. A layer of something inside me exhales, lets go.
Now is ok. She is here and snoring and snuggled up in to a sweet ball of breathing love.
I can let go, even just for right now, the energy of worrying about what decision I “need” to make to keep her from suffering, or to keep her from suffering as long as we can.
I can let myself just be present in what’s here now.
What’s here now is that I have so so so much love inside my heart for this precious being.
I can let myself take a deep drink of this, marinate in this.
Instead of letting myself be consumed by the bracing of what it feels like, or will feel like, to loose her in this physical form, I could let that just relax a little and soak up more of the fact that she is here now.
I can soak in the pleasure of nuzzling into her neck, letting my hands run over her fur, sniff her little paw pads and remind her that she smells like love.
I can let her be the salve for my heart that she longs to be.
I can use my energy to really drink her in, to not miss a moment of the gift of this time that we have together.
It feels so much better to have this shift of surrender, from the mind of protection, to the well of possibility and recognition of the timeless heart.
She is going to go, at some point, no matter what we do.
(I am going to go, at some point, no matter what I do. We are all going to go at some point not matter what we do.)
What we do in the meantime, for Bahni, might help her to have more ease or quality of life while she is here.
I need to remember that that direction and clarity will be more easily revealed if I can stay in appreciation and openness, if I can let the depth of my heart and my connection to her lead the way. If I can do my best to not spend too much precious energy resisting or worrying, I will have more space for opening into my own intuitive wisdom, and her guidance.
I can trust and be and see. Now.
This girl, this sweet girl, and all that she brings, is such a gift in my life.
Our time together is both my teacher and my safe haven, and we have now and that is pretty great.