Belated Hospital Note from Jan 23, 2109

on Feb 8, 2019

There was a lot that happened this past hospital stay. A lot that I did not share publicly that I thought I might share later.  Or not. I picked my journal back up today and reread pieces. I decided to share a little bit, a few glimpses into that time. Here’s one: 1/23 It’s good they put the date on the wall.  Otherwise I wouldn’t know.  Tired.  Hyper-oxygenated maybe.  Metaneb to the rescue.  Shaking.  Cold from meds.  Maybe just shaking with the freedom of Life.  Maybe normally I would get scared and shut it down, the shaking, but today I can just stay.  Be with It. The perfect circumstances creating the perfect thing- to pop. My bubble is popping , maybe if there’s even such a thing as a bubble.  Nothing is needed. I felt the knowingness of Freedom this morning.  I don’t have to be afraid.  Of This. Just let it all fall apart.  I’m am…...

Crazy Ass Snowman Love Flowers

on Dec 27, 2018

It’s Jib Jab season in the Tolberty household. It’s that time of  year where I get to make cartoons out of us and share it with our friends and family, like it or not. It’s just normally a fun silly way to spread cheer.  I probably watch them the most laughing my head off hahahaha. The one I picked this year was not even actually my favorite, not a great song or funny mouth movements, although I do have to say that this shot IS pretty funny: I tried on all sorts of goofy ones, but in the end, it was this one that won. Here’s why: I felt the resonance with this silly little cartoon. I could feel it as this perfect little parabole for our recent life. I could feel the resonance with the seemingly “big stuff” that has loomed. The scary stuff where the automatic response can be, “Shit!  Run!!”. I felt MAC.  I felt me putting the smile on the...

Time With Earth Momma

on Dec 21, 2018

Rick and I took a much needed drive to the foot hills yesterday. It’s been a long stretch. After a short hike in, I got to sit, and then lay, on the earth again. I just let myself sink into her.  Rest. There is nothing quite like feeling my back softening into Her. My breath softens.  My heart softens, opens to Her, which is such a beautiful part of the All. I went with the intention of listening. It’s so quiet.  So beautifully quiet. And so after a little indulging in the privilege of laying on the ground and just being held, I asked. I asked her if there was anything she wanted me to know, to hear before I heading back to the city again. I felt Her well up in me.  In my heart. I felt her say that she is here no matter if my back is actually on her or not. I felt the benefit of feeling this, breathing this daily. So in honoring and remembering, here I am this morning,...

Continuum… Fluid Life…Freedom drops.

on Dec 15, 2018

I dove for the first time today since my last lung bleed.  Staying the course.Staying the course.    Finally, I begin to open to what so naturally and effortlessly comes through once I just get past the damned patterning.  Stay the course. Stay the course.  Life is here. All you need to do is open the door for it to emerge.  Sound sound sound sound. Pause.Listen.  I am rewarded. I feel a stirring in my toes.Lotus’s bloom out of the arches of my feet…my hands… my heart space.  The noticing in the toes. Yes. Go back. Let the ripple open up. In the noticing the whole body is now opening the windows for the ride. Filling, filling, awakening to it’s birthright. Life. Theta’s open to cave wind…third eye comes alive… a window… a vortex…an awakening… a wave.  Water. Fresh water. No chlorine needed here. Awakening.  Chest opening,...

Naked

on Dec 11, 2018

God took their clothes off this morning,To sit and remember the morning Sun.How lucky am I,That I got to watch and remember, we are One. 

Eyes of Love

on Dec 4, 2018

This post’s been in draft mode for a while now.  The inspiration for it was at the start of my last IV round and it’s been a doozy since then. I think originally I was thinking maybe I would share once I was feeling a bit better, but that time never came as I was pretty sick through that last treatment and then it was immediately time to get my shit together to move lol. So, here we are, a number of months later, finally re-seeing and re-sitting with this  photo of Vel and I. Vel is an Internal Radiology  (IR) nurse.  She does a number of things in IR, but one of them is keeping track of patient’s vitals while they are in procedures there.  Having had over 60 PICC lines in my life, and a good amount of those being in Highland IR, Vel and I have a history together.  I know a number of them on the team.  I’ve seen a number of nurses, techs, and doctors come and go...

Unpacking

on Nov 29, 2018

Alive? Check. Sunshine outside my window? Check. About 20 thousand more things to appreciate and marvel at? Check. Ok, so now to cut the crap and put myself into something that really matters. Getting to the business of unpacking myself. If I can do even the smallest bit of This each day then I will have done something of value, something worth while.  This is part of my renewed and remembered commitment to this world.  It’s time to cut those straps, that tape, that keeps this ray of god busy, boxed, and small. The scissors are on the shelf. What the hell are you waiting for girl? Open the package.  Open up those flimsy, yet binding cardboard flaps and let It breathe. You’re here so why not? Maybe it’s even a process of just tearing off one little section at a time, even a section of a flap.   Maybe other days it’s a karate chop and a delicious head shaking crazy dance as the pieces go...

Held

on Jul 12, 2018

PICC placement morning 7/11/18. The nerves, the nauseousness, the fear, the heart beat, the intention to stay, meet, be with this/This. Wheeled through the doors, sign the consents, climb up onto the cold table, hand over the arm the body, open inside, feel the octopus tendrils, find the spirals of love.  It’s here, just remember to feel.  The last movements before being still while I am threaded and re-threaded. Strapped down, sterile field on, my face is covered, I find the elephant trunk of the tubing above me, reach in and out at the same time. Open. Find the breath to disperse…spread…soften… I hear a voice, a feeling, a memory that holds me from the beginning, remembering why I came here in the first place.  She/he/they say, through my cells and being, “Ok.  Ready to go to work.” In that instant, the blessed calm comes; the knowingness that...