Your Love Rays Still Shine Through My Heart, Sweet Baby Boy.

on Jul 30, 2017

Dear Little Love,

We had a visit in the early morning hours while I was still sleeping.

You came in my dreams.  I could still feel you in so many waking moments today.

Each time a window back into the dream world would come I would try to hold it, savor it, feel just a little more, a little deeper.  Each glimpse a precious jewel of an opportunity to once again see your sweet face.  I SAW you, so clear and real in this dream.

I do not think that I got to hold you or touch you.  The memory I have is just of seeing you. But I don’t remember any longing or lack around this.  Just seeing you, feeling you, knowing that “you are” was so incredible.

I felt you.  I saw you smile at me.

It was like nothing I had ever felt before.  You were so clearly a part of me.  This knowingness was so solid in my body and grounded in my heart.

There was a completeness in feeling you.

It’s not like seeing you, knowing you, filled some piece the I’ve been waiting for or missing, although from the outside I could see how one might think that.  But that’s not how it was.  This was a different kind of completeness, something kind of like ground inside my own body that holds us both somewhere inside of our skin.  Words do not do it, but they do not need to.

You have already been felt.  No set of words could make that stay or go or share us accurately with another.

What was most vivid upon waking is the love in my heart that I feel for you.  It’s a love unlike anything I have experienced to this point.  Love is almost not the right word…

It’s right here still, so deep in my mind’s eye, buried in my chest behind my heart, your little blue baby baseball cap…and the fullness of your sweet little body…and the love I feel for you… and the love…and the love…and the love…

I felt your dad in you too.  I felt his goodness in your cells and it gave you a certain reach and possibility in the world that you could never have if you came from just me alone.

I feel myself clinging to these last bits of memory from our dream time.  I let myself have this, just for today.  In the long run, I know the clinging will not serve me… or maybe even you… if there is, or ever was, a you.

But while I have them still, these glimpses, I let their feels penetrate my mind, taking over.  It is like being in love, these fleeting moments of joy and pain.

The chance to see you, the chance to know you, even if only for brief moments of my dreams, is worth the revived longing that comes when I also feel that you are not here in this waking life.

I can still feel you across from me, just beyond my touch, but totally inside my love.

My little blue baseball cap angel.

Sweet dreams. I am here.

Love two bushels,

Your Dream Momma

written July 27, 2017