The climb- 4/23/15

on May 23, 2021

From April 23, 2021…

This photo is from three years ago today, apparently with a terrible camera compared to today’s phone standards, and during a three week hospital stay.
I did not know it at the time, but this was the start of my second dance with MAC.

I was the sickest I had ever been. Down to 30% of my lung function. This round with MAC would become two of three and it would be part of the start that brought me to Denver.

The fact that I was climbing the stairs at this moment was a big deal. I was working my way back to a baseline that I didn’t know if I would be able to get to, but had determination and hope.

I love that the lotus is behind me. 
I, like the lotus, have found my way through the muck and mud time and time again, to rise, to rise and breath above the surface, and to blossom. 
The lotus and I are deep soul friends. 

And yes, that’s me in a mask, six years before people would feel it was their duty to take a stand to not wear them.
I am doing so while doing my best to climb 6 flights of stairs with impaired lung function and a body full of dizzying drugs.
And yes, that was to protect others who might be sharing a close space with me.
So please trust me all you mask refusing rebels, you are not new in your “repression”, or in other words, your ask to be considerate of those you share space with.
I know the mask issue is complicated and layered and not black and white, but looking at this photo and reflecting, I can’t help but say that.

When this memory popped up for me I stopped in my tracks. Just even to notice.
A tender hearted “Wow” emerged from my being.

So today, I’m taking an extra minute to send this me, in the stairs on that day, a big deep long hug.
I am taking a minute to let her know she is going to get through this.
I am taking a minute to let her know that there is some more pretty hard stuff on the way, but that I’ve got her.
This me, that is now, in this time and space and place is pulling, calling, encouraging her through.

I think in a way, this is actually maybe what happened.

Maybe this is what happens.
Some future self, calling to us when we meet the hard stuff, saying, you can do it.
I’ve got you.
I’m right here.
Just feel into me.
Borrow me.  Borrow my strength, my knowingness.
I’m right here, just reach forward and feel me, holding you, calling you steadily.

I love you.