Meeting fear, knowing Love.

on Mar 23, 2019

I woke up sick to my stomach, nothing super new while in this treatment, but this morning I also had an icy hot tingling sensation on the back of my neck and in between my shoulder blades.

It’s so interesting and strange and I also felt fear. What IS all of this?

I’ve also spent the last two days between the CF clinic and the eye doctor, and will return Monday (after giving one of the meds a rest over the weekend). I’ve had some eye challenge and pain and they want to make sure the drugs aren’t doing damage to my eyes. (The good news here is that the preliminary testing looks like things are ok in that department. Tests Monday are to confirm this.)

Anyway, I share this as a background to say that I’m noticing I have not fully conquered my fear reflex yet.

I still have some fear of what these drugs running through my system can do, or may be are doing.

What is this strong (and my mind says still warranted) cautiousness that I have developed around Western medicine?

I think it is some of what I have seen and experienced.

I think some is left over indentation from the strong swing of my pendulum through my twenties. The pendulum that had a good shove and was rocked by my deep dive into a more wholistic approach to body and life care.

I am grateful for this swing, all my swings, and swing branches…smiles.

And yet, if I’m going to really know and appreciate all the goodness that can also come through and is Western medicine, I need to feel more thank you and less fear, more trust, more ok.

I need to really feel, see, and know Love here.

I still fully embrace and will continue to embrace what I call “whole care”. Body, mind, soul, choosing and honoring the Whole first, cultivating natural and harmonious ways of being.

I came to a place, in my early late 20’s or 30’s maybe, where I learned about integration, where that swinging pendulum started to find it’s center and swirl and swirl, deep down into the sand of the center of my being.

And yet, still some pockets of both resistance and sway remain.

Awareness and sensitivity can be useful, but fear, when it’s in charge, just creates more of itself.

It’s a fine line between paying attention to the body’s cues and being hyper vigilant and/or inadvertently creating extra fuel for the fear fire.

What I think I AM able to do, and I think am doing well, in relation to the above, maybe not immediately, but in a “short” time, is see the fear for what it is when it comes.

I can take appropriate action if needed, but then also surrender into the trust of being held.

Each time I say “yes” I’m here, feel into the fact that I was moved to make this choice, I can feel my “confidence legs” gaining “muscle”, getting thicker and stronger, more able to stand and hold me through the waves of symptom or fear.

As these legs of spirit and calling strengthen, I feel into what’s true through them.

I am right here, right now.

I am full and awesome and alive, and I know Love, even when it comes in funky filters.

I R Ok.