I drove by the hospital today on my way to a quick nature dip at the park.
I was not thinking about the fact that it was coming up or that I would pass it on my short drive.
I can only tell you that once it came into my field of vision something in me opened.
The way I happened to come upon it, actually put me in direct alignment to see the specific window of the room I was last in.
I took that in, a strange mix of familiarity, home even, for this place that brought me out here to a new big chapter of life, and also a feeling of distance.
The first thought that entered my mind was an offering of love and support for all within those walls today. A little prayer went out from my heart to all of theirs.
A whisper, ” I know what it’s like.” ” I’ve got you.”
What came next was an incredible wave of gratitude for the time I have been able to spend outside those walls.
A wave of gratitude that today, my blessing is from the other side of the window.
I do not pretend to know that it always will be, but today it is.
For many days now, I have not known the immediate experience of looking through those windows, hearing the beeps of an IMed machine, mine or someone else’s.
For many days now, I have not had a PICC line or had some questionable food item delivered to me on a tray, or been awoken for a blood draw or IV med in the middle of the night.
I have not waited for someone to come help me tape a bag around my arm so that I could attempt a one handed shower.
I have not answered the same question multiple times a day, for multiple days, for different medical professionals at rounds or shift changes.
I have not needed to stop what I was doing immediately, do breathing treatment series four, and have someone start to pound on my chest or strap into an oscillating vest that didn’t fit.
I have not needed to watch carefully to make sure I was given the right med, the right dosage, at the right rate, or was being given the right test at the right time.
So today, I have the freedom to drive myself to the park and get on my longboard, have a push around the reservoir, lay down on the ground and feel the earth at my back, see the geese fly over head, and delight at the beginning buds of otherwise naked trees.
Today, I take that in. I enjoy it. I absorb it.
And then, I send some of that ripple of joy out into the world.
Particularly into those hospital windows, so that someone who might be needing it can have a little sip too.
Deep love and gratitude.
*This picture was taken during my first stay at St Joseph’s hospital. I was trying to get a quick morning stretch in before rounds, while hooked up to the IMed. I was hooked up at this point 22 hours out of each day because of the types of meds that I needed.