on Jul 12, 2018

PICC placement morning 7/11/18.

The nerves, the nauseousness, the fear, the heart beat, the intention to stay, meet, be with this/This.

Wheeled through the doors, sign the consents, climb up onto the cold table, hand over the arm the body, open inside, feel the octopus tendrils, find the spirals of love.  It’s here, just remember to feel.  The last movements before being still while I am threaded and re-threaded.

Strapped down, sterile field on, my face is covered, I find the elephant trunk of the tubing above me, reach in and out at the same time.

Open. Find the breath to disperse…spread…soften…

I hear a voice, a feeling, a memory that holds me from the beginning, remembering why I came here in the first place.  She/he/they say, through my cells and being, “Ok.  Ready to go to work.” In that instant, the blessed calm comes; the knowingness that opens underneath the fear, the holding, the guarding, rises up and takes my hand, my arm, my being.  And cradles her, in the remembrance of Love.

“You’re ok. I’m here. We’ve got this.”

Thank you.