Belated Hospital Note from Jan 23, 2109

on Feb 8, 2019

There was a lot that happened this past hospital stay.
A lot that I did not share publicly that I thought I might share later.  Or not.

I picked my journal back up today and reread pieces.
I decided to share a little bit, a few glimpses into that time.

Here’s one:


It’s good they put the date on the wall.  Otherwise I wouldn’t know. 

Tired.  Hyper-oxygenated maybe.  Metaneb to the rescue. 
Shaking.  Cold from meds.  Maybe just shaking with the freedom of Life. 
Maybe normally I would get scared and shut it down, the shaking, but today I can just stay. 
Be with It.

The perfect circumstances creating the perfect thing- to pop.
My bubble is popping , maybe if there’s even such a thing as a bubble. 

Nothing is needed.

I felt the knowingness of Freedom this morning. 

I don’t have to be afraid. 
Of This.
Just let it all fall apart. 

I’m am…

Surrender to sleep, but also just let the Life here move through.

Sometimes that means crying. 
Sometimes that means fever or chills. 
Sometimes that means meeting the frustration or disappointment or sad, or even scared when it comes and consciously saying, “Yes, I see you, thank you”.  Then broadening perspective until I am the one holding it and not narrowed down to the one experiencing it. 

I did nothing to “deserve” this opening. 
It is here already, it’s just that now I can see it. 
Such a funny thing. 
All the striving and trying and then boom, just plops through my being today,  just laying here in a hospital room shaky and alive. 

Alarm is going off for the end of this med. 
I am undisturbed. 
I don’t even want to eat. 
My phone just buzzed itself onto the floor. 

Cheeks hot- just energy moving. 
All ok.  Not just ok, Free. 

I can breathe.
I can breathe though.  Remember this.  So good. 
I am clear. 
Feels great, resonates. 

Have to get ready for my call. 

Wide open portal for Love/Light.
What if This is my life?
Feels a little crazy. 
And Free. 
Thank Goodness. 
Why not?!