Coming through some incredibly challenging weeks in the medical system.
Last night, this meant responding to e-mails until after 11:30 and then up all night with mind, with anger, perhaps a more accurate description is frustration mixed with disappointment. There has been much I have not shared, I think it could actually potentially be beneficial to share once I can in terms of making, at least our local system, better. And right now I do not have the “juice”.
After about 1 hour of sleep, I think around 2am, I re-awoke to more mind, more frustration. I could feel my body buzzing with something(s)…anger, what to do next, other places where I feel anger, the ridiculousness of what I have witnessed, the voice that I keep in line in order to be polite and respectful that actually just wants to scream. I could not turn this buzz off. The cough was there, kept going, and still, I knew the truth of why I was awake. I could not stop this buzz inside myself, and could not stop my mind. There’s a part of me that has a hard time letting go of doing something to “fix” what feels like disfunction, a hard time not “making things better” for those that come next. I also repeatedly get lessons, opportunities, to let go of this, to surrender this effort and work on the only thing I can control, which is me in relation to it. These are hard lessons where health, life, and love are involved repeatedly.
So once I did get to sleep, maybe 7:30/8am this morning I dreamt of something that broke my heart. I awoke about an hour and a half later to find that it was not true. I was dreaming.
I got up to do meds and saw what felt like the most oddly appropriate thing: a bird in the bird bath at the start of a rain storm. This little guy was in there, in the dirty old water splashing around to “get clean”. Again and again this little bird went into the water and fussed and fluttered. Watching, I was thinking, hey little one, if you only wait, even a bit, it’s clear the rain is coming and Life will rinse you clean. No need to work so hard in that dirty water right now. As I stood there watching I was thinking of how much that little bird was reminding me of what I have been going through and witnessing in our medical system. So much wasted effort and energy, so needless. And then, after I walked away, I had a thought. Maybe I’m the bird. I’ve been working so hard in the dirty bath, maybe if I listen in, I will be able to feel into the “inevitable rain storm” that will wash all that I’m trying to clean up away. Maybe my focus needs to be my own attunement to the flow of Life, leave the dirty bath, and trust the purity and timing of the rain and the Love that brings it.
So today, out of exhaustion and Grace, I surrender.