on Feb 21, 2022

Feb 19, 2022

My little baby brother, Colton, would have turned 30 today.

I don’t know why it’s hitting me a little extra hard this year or this morning, but it is.
I think there’s something around him being 30, a milestone birthday, maybe. I don’t know.
It can be hard to understand the mysteries of heart and grief and feelings.
What I do know, is that when I ride them, instead of fight them, they move and change and offer their gifts. 

I find myself wondering extra this year, “What would you have grown up to be like?”.
“What and who would you love?”
“What would have made you laugh and smile? ”
“Would you have liked school?”
“What would our relationship have been like?”
I so want to know more about the man you would have become.

What would our family have been if you had lived?

I think I would have really loved being your big sister.
I wish I had gotten the chance, on this physical plane, AND, I trust your life, it’s impact and it’s purpose.

Even if my big sister heart sometimes really wishes it had been different.